Sorry, we don’t sell that particular box of rocks in our store, I can’t accept this

So, unless you’re returning things to Wal Mart or Kohl’s, you can’t return just anything at every other store.  Most stores have morals and values and actually respect their products little bit more than to just accept back those thongs you bought to wear for you sexy night gone wrong.

Every day, I have at least one person who will verbally assault me on how ridiculous our return policy is and how it’s ‘bullshit’ that they can’t just return the GPS device that they bought just to get home from Tulsa only to return when they got home.  Sorry, homie, but you opened it and used it, and managed to get ketchup all over the screen while you tried to scarf down that triple decker with cheese and drive.
We keep it simple, and quite frankly, don’t hide any loopholes from any of our guests about our return policy.  Not only do we have it written in small print next to the door at the service desk what our return policy is, but we also have it in very large letter right behind the heads of those working at the service desk.  And, on the back of all receipts in our return policy.  Oh, and not to mention, you can view it on our website under the link titled “return an item.” 
Such a mystery, no?
Right up front it says we will attempt a return.  This means, we will use everything in our system to try to return.  But if we scan the item and it says “item not found” and you are without a receipt, you are screwed, bucko.  This means that the item has been salvaged out of our system and it is of no worth to not only the store, but to you.  So, this means, that it is worth exactly $0.00 to you and the store.  We cannot return an item with $0 worth.
Not only that, but check out this wording ‘Most unopened items in new condition can be returned within 90 days will receive a refund or exchange.  Some items will have a modified return policy that is under 90 days.’  Those items are pretty much anything bought in the electronics department.
‘Items that are opened or damaged or do not have a packing slip or receipt may be denied refund or exchange.’  Thank you.  So many people who bring in items without a receipt argue with me over this.  Its written in plain English behind my head.  Now, we have plenty of guests who don’t speak English, and we find a team member who does speak their language so that we can explain the policy to them.
And clearly spelled out on our website it says that opened movies, music, and electronic items cannot be returned, they can only be exchanged.  So, if you bought a movie or CD and didn’t like it, you can’t return it.  Why?  Because most people will make copies of these movies or CDs and then put the fakecopy back in the case and try to return that to the store.  Plus, we aren’t your personal shoppers.  Sorry that the movie sucked, maybe you should have tried renting it before buying it and spending $30 on the blu-ray of it. 
And if you just want to try and bring it back to return, well, sorry honey buns, you can only exchange it for the exact same movie.  No, not another title, the same movie.  Here, you want me to try it.  Sure, sure.  I’ll scan the movie you brought it as I process it as a return.  Now, let’s try scanning another title.  Oh, lookie there, the system says “Not same item, cannot approve this return.  Must exchange for like item.”
Timmy didn’t like that DS game you bought him that he just wanted oh so bad?  Why don’t you try GameStop or the pawn shop.  They will buy back your used games, but we don’t.  However, our store’s mobile center does buy backs, but you will only get store credit for it.  We do sell used games, but we don’t take them back at the service desk.
My favorite thing is when people bring in things without the receipt.  My automatic question to them is if they purchased it with a debit or a credit card.  Most of the time, the answer is no.   In that case, I will have to use your ID which you are limited to only $75 worth of returns per year.  And that year starts from the day you return the items, not calendar year.  And in doing so with your ID, it can only be returned to a store gift card.  Meaning, without the receipt, you only get store credit.  We are not the first, nor the only store that has this policy in place.  Most places will only give you a store credit that is good for a certain amount of time and at that specific location.  At least we are nice enough to put it onto a gift card that will never expire, can be used at any of our hundreds of stores, and can be used on our website.
Once you hit that limit on your ID, you can only exchange for items in the exact same department that equal up to or more than the amount of the item you are returning.  Why?  Because people who shoplift try to come in without their receipt (obviously) all the time to get money back for things they never even paid for in the first place.  This is our way to allow people to return things (and yeah, some of them are probably stolen) without a receipt (because sometimes Grandma Pam insists she doesn’t need a gift receipt for that awful pair of pants she got you) and still get some sort of credit for it.
But once you’ve hit that limit, no more free gift card money for you.  You have got to exchange it for something in that exact same department.  So, if Little Benny outgrew his 5T clothes but you don’t have a receipt… sorry, but little boys’ clothes are no longer in the infant and toddler section.  You’ve got to exchange for other infant and toddler clothing items.
Sounds rough, but that’s how it is.
Most people are so used to being able to return a box of rocks to Wal Mart for cash money that they expect the same treatment at our store. 
Yes, Virginia, I am going to open the box holding the 55” TV to make sure the serial number matches the outside of the box and to make sure that everything is in here.  Why?  Well, you see, people try to return boxes of rocks, or a Magnovox TV in a Visio TV box all of the time.  We are just ensuring that no one pulls one over on us.  Don’t like it, too bad.  If we find out that not everything is in the box, or that the wrong product is in the box, then we reserve the right to hand it all back to you and have a nice day.
Not to mention, all of our receipts have the expiration date printed on them for convenience for our guests.  This is exactly 90-days from the original purchase date of the item.  What this means is that after that expiration date, your receipt is no longer valid, therefore you cannot return the items for full value.  You will either have to settle for a store gift card or keep the item if it has been salvaged out in those three months.
Three months is plenty of time.  Really.  So, for you people who are trying to get some gas money from your Christmas sweater return in July, sorry, but no go, I can’t even give you a gift card for that one.
We aren’t hiding behind loopholes.  We give you plenty of chances to return things with or without a receipt, and we spell it out that electronics cannot be returned if opened, only exchanged.   Sure you can speak with my manager, but I bet my bottle dollar that he’s just going to tell you the exact same thing I just told you, so why waste your and his time?  But, whatever floats your boat, tubnuts.

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